Pray to Make You Smile {Dis}

[erasmusvalentine]

Papa wasn’t here. He wasn’t there. So, where was he? Master Dis didn’t know, and Era hadn’t expected him to. He wasn’t Papa’s friend, no matter how much Era wanted him to be. Dis was a beautiful man.. so beautiful... Not many of Papa’s friends were so beautiful as him, and none as sweet and kind. Dis read to him.. not even Papa did that for him... Papa refused. Papa said that Era was a big boy, and he could read it himself. He could read all by himself, and he didn’t need anyone to baby him. Era wasn’t sure quite why he wanted people to read to them.. perhaps he simply liked their voices? He wanted the time spent together. He wanted to curl up on their laps and listen to the rumbling in their chests... Maybe that was why, why he wanted it so badly that he went to a stranger. Papa said to never, ever, speak to strangers, and if he ever did, he would punish him, punish him more than he had ever before... but Papa wasn’t here, and as much as Era longed to say that he was a good boy, and that he would obey the rules that Papa had enforced on him for so long--too long for him to remember-- he knew that he was bad. He knew that he was disobeying everything that he had ever known. He was speaking to strangers, he was touching when he wasn’t invited to touch, he was praying, he was hoping, he was sleeping on beds when he wasn’t working, he was asking questions, he was listening to fantasy books... Fantasy. Papa hated fantasy books. The instant he knew that Era had been reading them, he had punished him, and made him burn the books... He had loved those books so dearly. They had made him dream of more things than Papa, or that one nice man he had spoken to in the street.. when the rule of strangers was made... Papa had been so angry--oh, so angry. Era didn’t want to make him angry, really! He wanted to make Papa happy, and he had done everything he could think of to make him happy, to make him smile and play with him, gently.. He liked it gentle... He liked to hear the words “I love you” during, because it was so rare. He had read those words before, and heard them, even. Did he understand them? No... But some sort of memory in them made him feel warm inside. They made him feel safe, even if during those words, he was usually in such pain.

He remembered when Papa asked him, once, what he liked in play-time, and he had told him. Gentle touches, sweet words... That night, Papa gave him to a friend for play-time. Era did not know what a whip was before that night, but he sure did after, and he hated them. He had never been in so much pain, and when he was back home, he was punished for ending the play-time too quickly. But he hadn’t meant to! He hadn’t meant to go to sleep... But it hurt so much--it hurt so much! He hated it, and Papa knew that.. He was being punished before he even passed out, before he was punished by Papa himself, but why..? Era didn’t remember doing anything wrong, but Papa always knew what he did wrong, and he always knew his thoughts. He knew when he was thinking about disobeying, when he prayed to make a friend. He knew when he was hiding bunnies in his room... he missed his bunnies... He had kept two of them, for two weeks actually, before Papa found out... Papa had made him throw them in the fire, too, and watch, and listen to the screaming. Papa’s dolly was not allowed to have friends, he said. He was not allowed to have anyone but Papa, and that he was selfish for wanting anything more. But.. Papa had friends... why couldn’t dolly have friends too? Why couldn’t he have bunnies? Bunnies listened to his prayers. Bunnies let him hold them. Bunnies warmed him, and didn’t mind the cold of his room. Era didn’t mind feeding them his food... He had so little... but.. but, the bunnies deserved his food. Era didn’t deserve food, certainly not now, not in this place, without Papa... He wondered, if Papa was going to return to him, and if he was, then if he would become angry and make Dis go into the fire, just like the bunnies--or break his neck, just like the birdies, when he was little. Era was such a bad boy, was such a selfish little bitch. He didn’t even know what that was, but Papa called him that.. and he knew it was bad, by the way he said it, scathing... hurtful, and everything hurt.

His dreams wouldn’t leave him alone. Era didn’t like sleeping, but he had learned before, how to be quiet in his dreams, so that he wouldn’t scream and wake Papa, and so he would not get into trouble. He hated getting into trouble... Papa hurt him so much, and Era knew he deserved it, but.. it hurt... and he didn’t like it. As used to it as he was, he didn’t like it, and he knew that was why Papa did it, why he had given him to that man, with the whip and the gags and the shiny fabric and the chains. Toys, the man had called them, and he had called Era the same thing... Era was nothing more than a toy. He had asked Papa about it, and that’s what he said. He said Era was a toy, a doll. He was meant for play-times, and nothing more. And for some reason, that had hurt... a mere, slight pain in his chest, a prick in his eyes, but he had no idea why. Why would he want to be more? He wasn’t needed to be more. But... Papa was his papa.... wouldn’t he be more to him? Wouldn’t he be more to Papa, than to Papa’s friends...? He wanted to be more. He didn’t know what he wanted to be exactly, but he wanted to be something, something wonderful. He had seen his Papa playing with someone else once... and it had hurt as much as those words did. He had gotten into trouble for being out of his room, even if he tried to explain that it was because he was scared, and he wanted Papa to make him feel better, and make sure nothing was in his room... Papa had locked him in the basement, and didn’t let him out of the dark for three days. Era never left his room again when he wasn’t supposed to, much less at night. Era never tried to make Papa protect him from demons again, because Papa never would. He simply became angry, and Era hated it when Papa was angry, because Papa never smiled... he never smiled.... Era smiled, though. Era tried to smile every day, even if he missed his mama, even if he wanted Dis to play with him, because he had never met someone as sweet as he was, as kind as he was... never someone that let him sleep in the bed, that didn’t hurt him, that was never angry at him. He was the first one to tell him that he deserved to sleep in a bed... a bed.... Not a little mat, not a bed for dolls, for pets, for puppies... Papa had given him a mat, a puppy bed. Era had loved it so much, but he remembered.. He asked Papa why Papa slept on a bed, and he was punished. Papa said that Era didn’t deserve a bed, because he was a bad boy, and wasn’t thankful for his own bed, so Papa took the mat away, and Era had to sleep on the floor. It was so cold, but he never asked again. He was a bad boy. He didn’t deserve a bed... not a bed...

...Dis said he did, though. Era deserved a bed. He had been so happy, but... Papa would be angry. He knew he would be. Master Dis had disagreed with Papa. Disagreeing with Papa was a bad thing, Era knew that. Still, he said nothing. He didn’t want to make Dis angry at him. He didn’t want him to punish him like Papa did. Dis was.. was his friend, right? And friends didn’t punish friends, right? Even if Era was a bad boy... No. No, if Era was a bad boy, then he needed to be punished, and if Papa wouldn’t punish him, because he wasn’t here, then Dis had to.. right..? If he wouldn’t, then.. then Era would punish himself! Yes... yes. Era sniffed gently and tucked his hair behind his ears. He held tightly to his parasol, making sure he stayed under the shade it gave. He shouldn’t be outside. Papa would have been angry if he knew, but.. Papa wasn’t here, and Era was willing to be punished for it. He had been inside for so long, longer than he could remember. The last time he was allowed outside for more than two minutes, was with mama... and Mama left a very long time ago.. She left because Era was a bad boy.. that’s what Papa told him, and he said that Era had to be a good boy, or Papa would leave too, and Era would be all alone, with no one there, no one... and Papa had left. He went away because Era was bad, and.. and now everyone looked at him strangely.. everyone didn’t understand what he was saying... Era felt out of place here, because he knew he was. These people weren’t like him. They were neither Papa’s friends, nor dolls, and for some reason... Era knew they didn’t like him, because no one did. Era was a doll. Dolls were meant to give pleasure, and to obey... not to be liked. And the one person Era wanted to play with, wouldn’t have him... Era needed to be prettier for him. He knew. That’s why he was wearing this dress, for him. It was a light pink, and pouffy, and frilly, and he prayed that Master Dis liked it... He wore it for him, all for him. It was a gift from Papa, to wear for one of Papa’s friends. Now Era was wearing it for Master Dis... so he would like him, because above anyone, Era wanted him to like him... even if a little voice in his head said no one ever would. Papa didn’t, Papa’s friends didn’t... Why would Dis like him when no one else did? He would leave like Mama. Era would never see him again... Dolly wiped his eyes a little, with a gloved hand. He had to keep his skin covered, as much as Papa liked him without anything on...

And still he prayed, even with no one listening, that for once Era could smile and mean it, and for once.. he could make someone else smile.. he could make Dis smile.

[Dis Akhmet]

He could feel himself slipping. It scared him badly, this realization did. He was slipping like he had before, when Iris had left with Ace to go visit Osman's parents for several weeks, leaving Dis alone with his own father. Those several weeks had been hell; he had no one to care for, no one to keep him in line. And now... Now this was much worse. Ace wouldn't be coming back after a month. He was gone for good, and nothing Dis did could bring him home again. The realization was terrifying. Without anyone to live for, Dis knew that it would only be a matter of time before he felt the cravings to get into more trouble. Jumping off buildings was just the start of it all, he did that even with Ace around. The adrenaline fueled him and made everything else fade out. It made the pain go away and it left him buzzing and feeling closer to...something. He didn't know what the feeling truly was, but he wanted it so badly. He wanted that insane sense of peace that he only got just before he hit the cement, just as the waves curled over the top of his head, the second before flames licked over him. He wanted it so very badly, and now that Ace was gone, he could barely even get a taste of that calmness.
He would die trying to find it, he knew, if no one filled that void in his gut.

He could feel his mind sliding again, with nothing to catch it on, nothing to save him this time. Dis suppressed an uneasy shudder as he wandered through the garden. It was one of the few corners of the facility that he hadn't explored fully, and a part of him was hungry for the comfort of greenery. Despite this seemingly incurable restlessness, Dis found that being in such a quiet place was helpful for his nerves. He closed his eyes as he walked along, moving slowly and attempting to push the fear of insanity out of his head. He didn't want to think about the lonely stretch of a future that lay in front of him. Without Ace.....

He kept his eyes shut tight to keep the disobedient tears from spilling out, willing himself not to cry. He had to stay strong and be tough, he had to move on with his life now. He had cried enough over the boy's death, and no number of tears would bring him back. He had thought that he had let it go by now, but much to his irritation, the pain kept coming back unbidden, usually at the worst times. He swallowed thickly as he walked on, forcing the emotion back into its little cage, intent on focusing on something else. Reopening his eyes and shoving his hands into his pockets, Dis glared at the ground while he regained his composure and looked for another topic to dwell on.

The ground beneath his feet felt almost too soft. He knew it was his imagination, but he wanted to imagine that beneath that layer of decomposed matter lay a hole to another place. Like the wormhole in the movie Contact, or even that tripped-out rabbit hole to Wonderland. He wanted so badly to leave this place and find an adventure.... If only the dreams that tormented him were real... If only he could find Ace. In every dream he was two steps behind, always chasing, searching, calling out. Ace was always just out of reach, smiling serenely at him before either fading out or turning into someone different. Last night, at the end of a dream about a brick maze, Dis had finally caught up to him and touched him on the shoulder. His brother's crooked little grin had brought an odd kind of peace to Dis then, but the words he spoke were unintelligible, and the teen was no longer who Dis thought he was.

He had woken up with Era's face still lingering in his mind's eye, and it confused him. Was there supposed to be a meaning to that dream, or was it just his grief twisting yet another thing into something he wasn't sure of? He knew he was starting to care for Era, but.... But he wasn't Ace. Letting the kid take that place felt wrong, but in some ways it eased the pain. Dis liked the smiles and the gentle manners the littler boy had, but some of his tendencies upset him. The whole "sir" thing made his skin crawl, and Era's innocent-seeming touches and looks confused Dis. They felt almost flirtatious in a sad, meek way. Dis didn't know how to address that. Maybe he was reading into it too much. Even still, the motions were unsettling. He wanted a friend that he could protect and care for, but he wasn't gay. Despite what had happened with Sano, he wasn't into guys. The skinny, emo little sluts he had experimented with back home didn't count, either. He wasn't his father, he wasn't gay.

And Era.... Despite Dis' better judgment, he knew he was starting to care about the boy. Yet he didn't want to make the child believe that he was interested in sex, because the idea made him feel vaguely sick. No... Era was becoming too precious for that. He needed someone to protect him and love him unconditionally.... Not a relationship that was muddied up with sex and all the insecurities that came with it.

Dis chewed his lip thoughtfully as he wandered around the garden, slowly easing in the quiet environment. While he was nowhere near the sense of peace that he craved, it was better than the buzzing tension he had woken up with. A rustle nearby and a shock of light pink caught the teen's eye, causing him to go still out of habit and observe the sight before he decided to investigate. Era stood a ways away from him, decked out in a frilled, lolita dress that Dis thought looked a little silly, particularly for a boy to be wearing. But it was cute, he supposed. Weird, but Era was so feminine as it was, the dress really didn't look that odd on him. He watched the kid for a while, wondering what he was up to in an outfit like that out here in the garden. He watched Era wipe his eyes and backed up a little, wondering if he was intruding on a personal moment. But the boy stilled after a bit and Dis decided to go ahead and approach him. He did kind of want to know what the whole dress and parasol thing was about.

Quietly approaching him, Dis glanced the boy over before stopping at a safe distance, a tiny smile tugging at his lips. Even in an outfit worthy of some anime convention, Era was still adorable.

"Going to a tea party today?" He attempted a light joke, glancing over the boy's face as he spoke. " Nice to see you outside. It's pretty here."

He wasn't much good with conversation, so he simply waited to see if Era would respond. Here he was in his raggy, patina and glaze-stained jeans with a worn-out red t-shirt, standing a good several inches taller than Era and his parasoled getup. It must've made for an amusing picture. He smiled lightly at the boy, glancing to see if he could figure out what the teen had been looking at prior to his arrival, then back at the boy.
"How've you been doing? Liking it here yet?"

[erasmusvalentine]

Papa would be angry at him... So, so angry... Era didn't mean to do half the things he'd done, half the rules he'd disobeyed, but some, he was more than happy to. He remembered first arriving here. He'd spoken to a lot of strangers during his time, but most.. most just looked at him strangely. The men in the uniforms thought him queer, asked him questions he didn't know the answers to, and answered Era's own with conflict. Half of them had told him they were papa's friends, but as he undressed, or offered to, they stopped him, adorning harsh expression and snapping harsher words. Era hadn't understood... and he still didn't. This entire world was new, a new landscape without his papa to guide him, and Era liked to believe he had taken necessary risks to survive here, in this new place.. with these wonderful new people. Still, he knew he didn't fit. No one knew his papa, and he was partially scared no one ever would anymore--but, in a way... he was thankful of that. People would be much scarier to him if they knew Papa. They'd take him back to him, or simply.. play with him--which Era loved, of course!

Sometimes...

Sometimes, it hurt.. so badly, and Papa would make him walk. His entire form would scream with pain, and the blood would be dripping down his legs, or from the beatings and bruises, and the cuts. Papa hadn't cared, though. Often, those were the friends that were dissatisfied, and demanded payments back to them, for having such an awful little whore under them that night, and Papa would be so angry. After such a night, he'd be so angry, and punish Era, because he.. he deserved it... Era knew he did, but it still hurt, and he had still cried so hard those nights, until he couldn't speak or move, until his eyes no longer leaked, and Papa no longer screamed. Papa hated him when he performed poorly. He hated him when he disobeyed, so Era knew.. he knew very well, that he would hate him when he took him from this place. Era knew he'd be punished so much, and those punishments flooded his imagination in his dreams, and woke him with screaming, and Era hated screaming...

But there was good in this place, Era knew that. He could see it in the faces of those he liked to think were his friends here. He could see it in Dis... And as scared as he was to admit it, he could always feel the little flip of his stomach when that name was muttered in his mind, or from his lips, even when he replaced it with a respectful 'sir'. It was the same flutter that he felt when he saw his Papa's pleased face, or felt his gentle hands on him, because.. they were so seldom gentle with Era, because.. Era was bad. Still, Dis' hands were always gentle. They were always soft, and sweet, and his words were always much the same... except if he was angry at another person. Era hated to think Dis would ever get angry at him, because he'd seen--he'd seen how he expressed that anger on others, and it scared him. Still, as long as the boy was gentle to him, Era would be the happiest he'd ever been, even in this new, strange place. Oh, how he loved it here..~ He had never met so many people, so many sweet, sweet people, filled to the brim with gentle words and gracious compliments that Era knew he didn't deserve, because he never deserved such things...

His eyes were still wet in the cold, chilling his face more than he wished it to be, but, in a way, it comforted him. People cry.. and as much as Papa said he wasn't, Era knew he was a person. He knew very well, because that little sir had said so, and had said he could sit in a chair because of it... Era wouldn't go so far to sit in a chair without permission from his betters, but the thought made him smile, as much as it had confused him at the time. The boy had disagreed with Papa, which wasn't good, and ever right, and if it was right, it still wasn't, because.. Papa was always right. Even if he was wrong. That happened so little, though, so Era wasn't too concerned about what it might mean when Papa was wrong. He knew he didn't deserve to settle into chairs, or sleep properly upon a bed unless after playing, and.. even then, Papa and his friends did not like him sleeping on the bed. They said he soiled it, made it dirty and disgusting, and it hurt so much that he did... He remembered, though--sometimes, Papa would hold him in his bed. He had held him so tightly and stroked his hair, and sang to his little Doll, who had laid in his arms lifelessly and still... Era didn't like to move and make him angry.

It took a little moment for Dis' words to register in his mind, and Era blinked a few times before looking up at him and blinking again. Tea party..? The whore frowned softly in confusion, but the words seemed so common, said so flippantly, that he didn't ask about them. He already felt stupid in this place. He didn't want to make himself seem even more so, not knowing so many phrases, so many common things... But Dis spoke more, so Era decided that the question wasn't meant to be answered, and he had done well with deciding to voice his confusion silently, less he be irritated or frown to him. Era lowered his eyes respectfully and clutched his parasol tightly, a little blush against his face as that feeling tugged into his stomach again, the little nerves that always were, and would always be. "It is cold as home..~" Era smiled more and rubbed an index finger against the parasol's handle, nervous again, but he tried not to show it. Papa had told him--no one liked a nervous whore.

He nodded to his questions, once, direct, and looked up at him to smile brightly. "The people here are very sweet, sir~ Ah.. persona sweet... not.. not in taste.." He paused, and thought.. "Perhaps Master Wren..." He trailed, thoughtful still, then smiled again and tilted his head at him, leaning his weight, as little as it was, onto one foot, one leg, then paused. He frowned gently and reached out to touch one of Dis' sleeves. ".. is Sir cold..?" He looked up to his face, a daring move if Papa had been around to see it... but, well.. he wasn't, and Era could do as he wanted, for the first time in his life, and he wanted nothing more than to see Dis' face, again and again, because Dis was a beautiful master. Era wondered, in the back of his mind, how beautiful he himself was right now.. He had dressed up for Dis today, because he had heard how much Dis liked fair ones.. and, if he looked as a fair one often dressed, then perhaps Dis would like him too? It was worth a shot, because, honestly... Era was that desperate. Era liked him, so very much, and what better way to show it than by playing with him? By dressing up for him, and being beautiful?

He simply prayed he was thin enough for him now...